| Thursday, December 30, 2004 | |
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Its been long that I have written anything abt work. I do
Work! I was supposed to move to a new project at least one month back. but then these guys..Sumit and Richa went on hols for their respective marriages..so the big guns decided to continue with me..what the heck if I was making any contributions or not! In software industry every coder(human being) is referred to as a resource. Everytime I hear this word I begin to think software industry as modern *majdoori system* and my office as a factory where each software engg is a majdoor (labour). Only that we have no working hours. Like any other factory we work day n out and churn out products. No wonder why Ram Gopal Varma has a "The Factory" label
for his production house. Ya, coming back. Now, I am supposed to move to a new project. I think "Homer". So, these ppl are giving me a training on some thing known as "Hibernate + Spring". When I got a mail from the PM, my first instinct was that its some thing abt soft skills..like what to do when you have no work..:D.. but then some one shattered my dreams... "its totally technical!".. 2:00-5:00, 3 days.. training.. tomorrow is the last day..I know wat is hibernate..I mean a bit of it..:) Apart from usual bug fixing and training..am playin lot of Table Tennis 1.5 to 2 hrs I guess..daily
Also, finished up "Are You Afraid of the Dark"..Started with Veronika Decides to Die..
been thinking abt Tsunami a lot...9 countries..25 k ppl..:((can go on n on bashing India..abt not being prepared..not having a a Tsunami Warning System or a Center (Becoz we never expected a thing like this other than “global warming” that will affect in 2020)..but it will be a shameful thing to do.. I will be then acting like an outsider..who can only comment..technically, I have done courses on earthquakes and their affects... actually Its ppl like me who should be coming forward :( shame on me..being Mohan Bhargava, is a tuff tuff job.. may be too early for me to think in that direction..or is it just an excuse? Have a year ending party tonite..not feeling very excited abt it.. 7:57 AM |
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| Wednesday, December 29, 2004 | |
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friend: but then it doesn't mean we don't expect from others... kaps_always: ya kaps_always: its better not to expect. kaps_always: coz if the others do smthing.. friend: i know its that we expect n so feel dissapointed n all... kaps_always: that fulfills ur expectations.. kaps_always: it wud make u happy kaps_always: very happy kaps_always: and it wil be sudden kaps_always: coz u are not expecting friend: n its really easy to say "we shudn't expect" which is actually 100% correct... kaps_always: ofcourse kaps_always: its impossible kaps_always: to implement kaps_always: not feasable kaps_always: but again... kaps_always: y have any margins?? friend: but then being human beings with emotions sentiments feelings........ which can't be removed from our existnce..... we can't stop it!! kaps_always: u never know..when u cross that '"dissappointment" margin kaps_always: yes kaps_always: right friend: i know what u saying.... kaps_always: its all abt reducing the pain kaps_always: I know wat i am saying is not pracitcal kaps_always: but wheneever i will cm bak and read this kaps_always: i wil come back kaps_always: gte back to the roots kaps_always: to the beginning kaps_always: its for me to read...later on! kaps_always: i hope u get it friend: u expect... if not fulfilled u get hurt... then u learn a lesson that "i shudn't expect 'this' from this 'person'..." but we can't n rather shudn't generalise it to everyone.... n we don't even generalise it to some other thing wrt to the same person..... friend: yes i know... kaps_always: right friend: n its actually speaking a really nice blog... coz' its quite difficult to put down such things/thoights in words.... friend: n i am not ATTACKING ur blog... kaps_always: i know friend: just sharing my view... kaps_always: am not defending either kaps_always: :) friend: ok gud... kaps_always: ya.. kaps_always: u are rite kaps_always: that we shud list down kaps_always: wat not to expect kaps_always: from this person friend: we do... friend: all of us do... kaps_always: but we hv to start from the min level. kaps_always: thats wat i want to be there in my mind..always.. kaps_always: ofcourse we set limits for each person.. kaps_always: and treat each person..differently friend: but then though most of the times i feel u shudn't expect... friend: sometimes i feel why shudn't u expect?!?! kaps_always: :( kaps_always: same here friend: coz' expectations r not from strangers walking on the road... kaps_always: so take the safest road friend: they r from ppl who have some place in ur life... friend: who mean something to u... kaps_always: yes.. friend: u do something for them or feel something for them or say something to them.... n expect same or atleast something in return.... friend: n i really don't understand what's wrong in that!?!?! kaps_always: nothing wrong.! kaps_always: but u expect.. kaps_always: coz u know.. kaps_always: that they wud do so.. kaps_always: its not really expecting..its like..u know.. friend: i feel there's nothing like "safest" road..... its only once u venture on the road that u realise that its safe or unsafe... what say?!?! friend: didn't get it... kaps_always: i mean..as u said..u mentally set that limit for each person kaps_always: most of the timees friend: limit of what... kaps_always: the things u get in return kaps_always: limit of wat u shd be expecting friend: ok kaps_always: the things u get in return are very near to that limit kaps_always: i shud ave written.. kaps_always: that expect realistically kaps_always: from others kaps_always: that comes down to . kaps_always: "do not overexpect from urself" kaps_always: thats wen u begin to expect a lot from others kaps_always: others i mean...ppl in ur life kaps_always: not strangers friend: but when u expect something... from your side its very much realistic... coz' u often feel "if i can do this/give this/be like this/say this" then y can't the other person do the same?!?!?!kaps_always: every one is not u friend: n what does that mean?!?!? if i may ask..... friend: do u by any chance mean.... that we shud set limits for what we give coz' only when n what u give if what u expect?!?! coz' if its this... i totally agree... n believe in this... but kapil... its not even easy to set limits for urself while giving in... coz' if u r being ur true self then u don't even get to think abt any limits!!! kaps_always: well..it depends.. friend: waiting for answer to both.... kaps_always: ya kaps_always: by everyone is not u..i mean nothing personal friend: then.... kaps_always: just that..wat u think is easy for a person to do...(coz u do..that.)..is actually not kaps_always: he/she may think diffent kaps_always: and the sec part kaps_always: i really dont mean that u expect wat u give.. kaps_always: such ppl are rare...who only give kaps_always: and not expect friend: ok... before u misinterpret my point of what u give is what u expect..... a hypothetical example.... kaps_always: who* kaps_always: k friend: if i mail u.... i expect... either a reply in return... or some acknowlgmnt that u got my mail... kaps_always: ya friend: so its not just that i give a mail n get a mail... friend: but something related to what i give?!? friend: i don't know if i am making sense to u... friend: maybe not a gud enough example... friend: but hope u can get my point! kaps_always: am tryin to understand,:) friend: nevermind.... kaps_always: samjhao..:( friend: ok another try... kaps_always: ya..sure kaps_always: :) kaps_always: dimaag kam hai..my fault :( friend: if i share everything abt my life with a friend.... i don't expect that she will also tell me each n everything abt her life coz' she maynot treat me as good a friend as i do... or may not trust me as much as i do... or maynot think its necessary for us to know each n everything abt each other's life... or has some other friend she can share all such info with...... kaps_always: ya...but sharing is not giving kaps_always: it depends on wat kind of friend friend: but then when i share with my friend... i automatically expect that she will listen to me... n will share things with me whenever she wants to.... kaps_always: and if she does not..share kaps_always: u feel hurt friend: but "giving" is not materialistic giving.... its what u "give-in" in a relationship... which cud be in forms of talkig, sharing, time, emotions anything?!?!?! friend: ya... that's what... expect n get hurt... n learn... kaps_always: coz u wanted to know abt her...coz u think sheez is yr fren kaps_always: and u will be happy kaps_always: if she shares kaps_always: how do u know that she too will be happy? friend: kapil kapil kapil............. it was a hypothetical eg to differentiate between what we give n what we expect may or maynot be the same... but its related to what we give............. kaps_always: got ur point abt givin kaps_always: ya got it friend: it was not a real life eg.... kaps_always: ya..i i know.. kaps_always: but thats wat friend: n i know "its wrong" n unrealistic to expect that she too shares.... kaps_always: how do u know that the other person will be happy friend: but plz. leave this eg........... kaps_always: while she/he fulfills ur expectations friend: i am not to think wheteher or not the opther person is happy or not..... friend: am not living his/her life.... kaps_always: yes...but when he/she does not fulfill ur expect kaps_always: its coz he /she is not comfortable with it kaps_always: but u expect kaps_always: not knowing kaps_always: this.. kaps_always: and u get hurt kaps_always: dont expect kaps_always: *this* from *that* person kaps_always: u learn Summary I know what I said in my last blog is not at all practical. I am Human. I will expect. But, what I want from myself is to expect the least from others. In that direction, I need to be lil harsh. I should be saying to myself all the time..'expect nothing'.... knowing, that the Human in me will expect anyways. But it will be limited. Strange thinking, I know. I still need to implement this and see if it works. Quite possible, that I will end up believing that I was wrong. This again reminds me the purpose (one of them!) of these blogs. Whenever I come back to them (later on) I want to see the changes..thoughts..feelings I went through. Personal Musings :) Sorry for the long chat discussion above. Again, its for me to read. If you have time and energy..read it..else chuck it. More than welcome to do so. I dont expect :) Thanks a lot friend! 2:28 AM |
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| Monday, December 27, 2004 | |
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from others??..does it matter?..why does it matter anyways?. umm..okay, fundamental, basic question-> why do we expect(from others)?. Well, my personal take on 'expectations'. I feel, (coz I have learnt), that I expect from others because I expect something from myself. I expect myself to do certain things, and in that process I start expecting that people around me will reciprocate in the manner I want them to. Ofcourse thats coz it would fulfill my wishes. It would
make me happy. It would make me think "Kapil, you (only you) have done it!". But, some where during that selfish (if I can say so!) process I lose track of the beginning.I start to believe that it was because of a certain individual (ne one!) who did not conform to my expections, that I am suffering. Is my belief right? Should I be blaming others for something which would make me happy, and it did not happen? Is it not just one of those false beliefs, which is directed towards self appreciation??, which makes me understand that its always the others who are trying to steal my happiness. EGO? I should be blaming myself. Simple, Straight, Direct thought. Why dont I criticise myself? Why dont I condemn myself for
presuming something, for anticipating something?. for expecting? Why do I expect from myself? Expecting from myself is okay. I must do it in order to set my goals. Meanwhile, I must always sit down for a while and come back to the beginning. I must remind myself that no one else is to be blamed for my dissatisfaction. For others, I am 'others', and they have their expectations from me, as well as from themselves. Expectations clash!. Its always the self that comes first. For me. For them. Is this the secret of happiness, I was looking for??.and I have just stumbled upon? Do not expect from others. Too many questions??..Most of them are rhetorical. 8:13 AM |
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| Saturday, December 18, 2004 | |
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roof top canteen at Tavant, Karthik said .."Kapil Congrats!"..I was like "Dude..why??" coz I was in that state of mind (for some unknown reason) that I know all. But what he said struck me.It came like lightning and left me in a state of shock. well, a pleasant shock :). How can I miss this! 28th May 2004,got my B.Tech Degree.Engineer Kapil Varshney.period. 14th June 2004, I stepped into my first workplace. Professional Kapil Varshney 14th December 2004, six months of Job Ex! Time flies. and ya..Chetan Bhagat, the guy who wrote Five Point Someone, is a dad now...here. 3:32 AM |
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| Friday, December 03, 2004 | |
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Koi humse bhi ishq kare Khambhaqat neend bahut aati hai going to GOA tonite..:) 1:49 AM |